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“Let me GO!” she said, trying to pull away from the two large mens grasps.
“I’m sorry Miss, but-” said the one on the right.
“BUT what?” she shouted, still struggling against their hold.
“-But,” he continued, his grip hardening, “You have been associating with a criminal of the state.”
“WHAT?” she threw a steely glare at the man, “What did he do?!”
“He is not registered.  He isn’t the proper species for this region.  And,” the one on the left said, “You were supposed to report him when he entered your region, Mademoiselle Marin.”  His tone was as harsh as his features.  His eyes met Mlle. Marin’s red ones, as she pulled at there grasp.  She could have easily wriggled from other grasps, but they just kept tightening there hold.  She heard another set of voices.
“Keratin?  KERATIN!” she shouted across the foyer as the tall black haired man came into view.  He motioned to her to be quiet.  She ignored the pantomime, “Why?” she pulled at her right arm, “You can’t-”
“Evynn.” Keratin said calmly, “Please don’t make a big deal about this.  We will-”
“Don’t say that.” she said softly, her eyes downcast, but her struggle was not subdued.  The men on either side of her were holding her whole body now, “You know-”
“Don’t think like that, Evynn…” he pleaded, his eyes watering.  It was that.  That broke her.  Seeing the one person she truly loved, knowing he loved her back with the same intensity, “Just remember…”
“You can’t leave me!” she shouted, tears now streaming down her face, “I- I need you hear” she added softly, her eyed averted to the ground.  She sniffed, and looked back up.  The two statesmen on either side of Keratin shoved him along.
“Just remember!” Keratin said, his tone hardening.
“No.  No!  You can’t take him!” she shouted, her voice echoing off of the towering ceilings.  Her struggles were more violent, her feet lifting from the ground every so often as he was shoved out of the door, “NO!  Please STOP!”
The door slammed behind the statesmen and Keratin.  The two statesmen holding Evynn pushed her to the ground and exited the same way, muttering along the way.
“That was the first time I have ever seen a Guardian so…”
“Odd.  I didn’t know they acted like us.  I thought they gave up human interaction.”
“If you call that human interaction.”  At that they both guffawed and also slammed the door.
Evynn curled up in a ball on the floor were she fell and cried, pressing her face against the hunter green marble.
“No…you can’t…” she sobbed loudly, it echoed loudly in the foyer, “…please…”
:iconpixie-kissed-faery:
A nice little thing I wrote.
I was rather proud of it.

Characters and Story © Natasha Mercedes

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconsympatheic-darkness:
This is really good- a lot better than most of the stuff I've seen on here. It sounds like a really interesting story, and this tidbit makes me want to hear more. I noticed the "advanced critique encouraged" thingy, so I'll give you a few things you might want to work on.

1) There are really small grammatical errors scattered throughout that just, well, take away just a little bit. Make sure you go through the paper yourself and try to fix those; the spelling checker is unhelpful.

2) Imagery is essential. Honestly, in reading this I have little idea as to where they are, or what the people look like. If you want to leave it up to the reader, that's also fine, but if you give this story any backstory, you might want to use more imagery. (Remember, imagery is writing that appeals to the senses. Any or all of them!)

There's my critique-ing. I'm sorry if I sound critical- I'm just saying these things out of love! I really enjoyed it, and can't wait to hear the next one.
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:iconpixie-kissed-faery:
=pixie-kissed-faery Mar 22, 2008  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I usually have a TON of imagery and this is supposed to follow up what is still in my head and they would've already been described.

And~ I drew a picture of them. ^^

Thank you. I think you are the only one who has ever utilized the advanced critic. ^^
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